I tried reading it from every angle, imagining how it would read for a variety of different people, but I just couldn't reduce it any further! I feel like every bit of information in there is absolutely relevant.
In the end I settled for simply tweaking it. I noticed the phrase "couldn't believe my luck" was used twice and in close proximity of one another, so deleted one and reworked the sentence. I performed other similar little tweaks, but for the most part the piece stayed the same and I'm happy with it.
However, I would love and welcome anybodies input! In your opinion, is it still too long? Is there anything you think I should change? Am I obsessing over this task way too much and should I just get on with other tasks? These are the questions I would love you to answer!
Here it is:
8 comments:
Hi, sorry I didn't manage to see your first draft but this is looking good! I think that as it's still only on one side of A4 it's probably not too long, and it certainly keeps you interested when reading - my favourite paragraph is 'At this point I started...' because the pace and tone of the writing completely changes and it engages the reader - it drew me in as I wondered why you had a sense of unrest, and what you did about it. Excellent.
Can't help being a pedant (sorry!) - I would put 'what so ever' as all one word, and it should be the other 'principal' in the second paragraph.
You have a great style of writing though as you're not afraid to use short and long sentences - I can definitely learn from this as I tend to go on and on (as you may have noticed)!
Good typo spotting Aïcha (they have been corrected instantly thanks to google docs; no need to upload a new version which saves so much time!) and thank you for the feedback!
I also tackled the length problem, I even worried about whether it should be in the third or first person! In the end I had to decide what my Professional Profile would be used for. I settled with using it as the front page of my website, therefore anyone and everyone can see it. So, I didn't want it too long because anyone important in the industry (whom the website is aimed at) won't have time to read it but I wanted it to be more personal than a list of credits and my weight! I did get to read your first draft and can tell you that the tweaks have worked well as it is much tighter now.
Liam I was re-reading your professional profile and I think it’s a great example. I like that you have also put what you aspire to do as well as what you are doing. You have written it in a very friendly manner but also very professionally. I’m really struggling with mine but I think you have given me some inspiration, so thank you!
Hey Liam
Please accept my apologise but I have not read your first draft but wanted to comment on your current version.
You have a wonderfully engaging style of writing. I fully agree with you that it is a complete piece of work and in my opinion in no need of shortening as it runs nicely and certainly does not look or feel like a slog to read.
Your style changes pace often and therefore keeps you engaged throughout and you can almost hear you saying the words. Your passion and, as the girls above very correctly say, friendly yet professional. Great job mate!
If i may make a few points;
1 - My favourite line - "and made me a teacher." There is no uncertainty, it's fact. I love this line and if i were an employer i would feel as convinced as you are, that that's what you were born to do.
2 - I understand exactly what you were hoping to achieve in this statement - "I had no doubt that this was what I should have been pursuing as a career" but the use of the word should means that it could be taken as you regretting what you had done up to that point, which I'm sure is not the case.
3 - My other favourite line as me and if i were a potential employer is - " and began the transition straight away." This screams to me that once you set your mind on something you do not waste time but do what needs to be done and get going. Awesome!
All 3 above points are only very minor i know but after the amount of meticulous attention you have obviously given this piece of work i thought they were worth mentioning.
Finally i wanted to ask you how you re-named the links to this and your CV documents. The hugely long complicated link is very off putting as apposed to a short exact title.
Hope to see you at the Campus session, until then i look forward to your response. I will upload my own profile in the next 2 days and would love your thoughts.
Cheers buddy.
Stay safe - Phil
Hi Phil,
First of all thank you very much for that comment, you've clearly really thought a lot about it and I appreciate it.
Your 2nd point is absolutely spot on and I will get re-phrasing that, well spotted!
With regards to the shortening of links:
When writing your new blog, click the "Link" button at the top and paste the URL into the box that appears. In the same window there is another box that says "text to display". Type in here the preferred title of the link and you're done!
hope that makes sense and will look forward to reading your profile!
Hey Liam
I loved reading your personal profile, and totally agree with you. If you feel it is important enough for you to mention, then put it all in there. You do so in such a personal way, where we want to keep reading about you, that I don't think it matters if it's a bit lengthy-which actually, I don't!
I find it insightful to read about 'you' and how you came about this profession rather than just what you have done since becoming a dancer.
Its a bit like reading a story, I'm looking forward to learning about the next chapter of your life. You come across as so ambitious that I fully believe that one day you will make a great Head, and a fine example to children!
Obviously its not a fictional story, so I cant skip to the end to see what happens, but I very much look forward to keeping up to date with your journey over the next year or so!!
I think this might be an disadvantage of googledocs - I also wasn't able to read your first draft, so it's not possible for me to compare both versions (I tend to keep works in progress)
But now to your second draft. I liked reading it. It's nice to see your origins and how your passion for dancing has evolved. I think especially for artists it's very important to be more than just dates like on a usual CV. Your Profile sounds very passionate and I think it's great that such a young person has achieved so much by now! Keep it up =)
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